An update on where I'm at, writing-wise

I have two updates about my writing in this post, one about current projects and other things that are vaguely project-shaped, and one about where I'm at on an emotional/mental level.

Projects

First, here's what I've had in the works in some capacity. This all got put on hold while I was doing that freelancing gig and while I was recovering from the burnout I inflicted on myself in the process. I'm covering as many different distinct writing projects as I can think of, partially as a way of keeping them all straight myself.

• Let Sleeping Foxes Lie -- I've been editing and revising this in fits and spurts as I go, and it's probably my highest priority if I don't have something that needs more immediate attention. I've also got some setting material I need to finish up and send off to Vaughn that's completely fallen by the wayside amongst my freelancing and burnout (with a sprinkle of emotional collapse on top).
• Conversion -- Once I get Let Sleeping Foxes Lie revised, I plan to give the main Conversion story the 2.0 treatment as well. 
• Also under the 'Conversion' umbrella are a pair of short stories that I did a few years ago. They've collected dust in my files because they also need revision and I don't want to just post them online in case an anthology comes along for which they'd be a good fit. 
• I also have a couple of unfinished short stories, both started for anthology submissions but I couldn't get them done before the deadline. One of them was kind of emotionally-fraught to work on (I started it as kind of a writing-as-therapy project) and while I've gotten it to a point where I feel better about it, I honestly don't know how (or if) I want to finish it. The other I have a vague outline in my head for how I want it to go, but I just don't know an interesting way to get it there. 
• I've also got some vague concepts in mind for future stuff in the setting, but nothing definitive due to a combination of self-doubt, wanting to get a definitive revision of the main story together, and the fact that I'm kind of standing back and watching how this current real-world AI madness is shaping up, because some of that may be relevant for setting backstory reasons.
• Song in the Dark -- On hiatus. I'm thinking it's probably got two chapters left and maybe an epilogue or denouement, and I have a vague idea on what I want to do with those, but nothing's nailed down. I haven't felt especially inspired to prioritize it over anything else I've got in the works, and I honestly don't know if that inspiration will come.
• Material for my gaming blog -- After asking repeatedly for ideas on what I can/should do with my gaming blog besides write-ups of my tabletop sessions, the only response I've gotten is a single person saying "Sorry, I don't read blog posts." So I'm going to take the hint and not bother. I might do a couple of character builds here and there because it amuses me to do so (probably characters for the Exalted book I worked on, when that's closer to being released), but I'm simply not going to waste time and energy producing other content for it unless I come up with something that really needs to get out there.
• Side projects I haven't talked about publicly -- I've got a couple of these, one of which I posted a test chapter for some years back and had to spend weeks begging for feedback on it (and the current version of that bears little resemblance to what I posted).
• Side Project A -- Urban fantasy setting. I've got a few chapters and a vague outline for a longer story in the setting (starting with a version of the aforementioned test chapter), an idea for a short story or two, and a stack of worldbuilding notes. This is mostly me wanting to have something to draw from if, say, I see an anthology I want to go for but it won't fit in the very narrow niche of my cyberpunk setting.
• Side Project B -- Another setting that's kind of a sci-fi/fantasy blend, but I'm not sure if I can really nail it down to a distinct genre yet. I don't even know if it's going anywhere at all, but this was a case of "I had an idea stuck in my head for a few days and the only way to stop thinking about it for twenty minutes was to write some of it down."
• And then of course there's the little bits and drabs and ideas I scribble down and will probably never get around to, that I'm only mentioning here for the sake of being thorough. These are mostly community content for a couple tabletop RPGs. (For those of you unfamiliar with the expression, 'community content' means 'authorized homebrew I can post to DriveThruRPG and sell.')

And, of course, if there's something you think I've forgotten, or want to ask for details about, or anything like that, let me know.

Headspace

As for the broader writing stuff, it's been a bit of a struggle. 

For instance, I recently came to a frustrating revelation about the way I write, in that I think my biggest weakness as a writer is that my stories are never really about anything. They're just me spinning out a scenario that sounds cool in my head, in a way that I can share with people. Even if I have some deeper meaning or allegory in mind at the start, I get creatively distracted and it never really makes it onto the page.

Not that every story needs to be about something, but I offer very little substance to go with the style, and I think that's the reason why so few people get really invested in my fiction. I think that might be the reason why it bothers me so much that I get so little feedback, because maybe on some level I need other people to read the meaning into my stories that I fail to include. And I don't have the first clue regarding how to do something about this, short of maybe banging my head on a table until I forget how to write and re-learning from scratch so I can develop better outlining habits.

I've recently been listening to a writing advice podcast that I've hoped will maybe knock something loose or at least inspire me enough to power through until I figure something out (not just on the above issue but also in general), but it's been giving me complicated feels. It's stirring things up in me that make me want to put more time and energy into writing my own stuff, but I have more and more trouble shaking the feeling that there's no point to doing that. 

Like, the podcast makes me want to feel good and enthusiastic about my writing -- particularly in a way I used to feel good about it -- but I'm not entirely sure if I can feel that way any more. I feel like a kid with a broken leg stuck indoors alone watching his friends play outside.

(For the record, I'm not naming the podcast because the specific one doesn't really matter and I don't want to imply it's something wrong with them -- most writing podcasts actively make me feel like shit and I can't stand to listen to them, but this one doesn't.)

And the thing is -- the writing is still 'in there.' There are stories and settings and characters that want to be seen (hence the unnamed side projects, above). Sometimes I feel good about it in the moment when I'm doing it, but afterwards the post-writing clarity sets in and I think about something else I should have done instead. I look around and feel like doing literally anything else would have been more satisfying for a fraction of the effort.

And yes, because you're probably wondering, I am in therapy again. But we haven't really touched on my writing problems because there's other issues I'm trying to focus on and there literally isn't time to go over everything that's wrong with me.

And even if I did get past it, I worry that I've run out of time and opportunities to impress people, that I've already weighed myself down with too much mediocrity and even if I do turn out something legitimately good it'll be seen as a fluke. You know the saying "not a has-been, but a never-was?" Well, right now I feel like I've managed to pull off both.